I was lying on the floor, literally wondering if I would be dead in six months, too weak to crawl or call out for help. I was cold and it was dark. I was really scared.
In 2011 I was diagnosed with Adrenal Fatigue and PTSD. I was extremely anxious, constantly nauseous,
exhausted but couldn't sleep, lost 30 pounds I couldn't afford to lose, and had
severe stomach pains. At first I was
given herbs by an Osteopath that made me feel worse, then I went trough weeks
of tests ordered by my GP trying to find something wrong, took unhelpful prescriptions,
and then later I went to a specialist with more tests and he determined that I
had PTSD.
During that year I lost my job because I couldn't work. I was stressed by the lack of medical answers
and tests. My days were spent in
paralyzing anxiety which made even the simplest tasks almost impossible. People, crowds, noise, driving, shopping, watching
TV, therapy, and chores all caused me to panic.
I was so nauseous that I had to force myself to eat meals, which
unbelievably I cooked myself, each bite followed by water to wash it down. Celery was the only food that tasted good to
me; fennel and mint only herbs that abated the urge to vomit. I thought I was going to die by some mystery
disease or from the demented state of my mind.
Everything seemed hopeless.
How had I gotten to that point? Years of emotional and mental stress as well
as starting menopause. I also come from
a family history of depression. My mom
was severely depressed and medicated herself with alcohol and cigarettes. Then my late husband, Stephen, had
hemophilia, HIV, and HepC and I cared for him for 10 years. Both my parents and Stephen passed in the
same year. Steve and I had just bought a
business, his baby, which I had to run after his death. I had six employees from the previous owner
and big difficulties. Despite my losses
and grieving I kept pushing forward. I
knew I was going to collapse at some point, but I just kept going. A year later I sold the business, started a
new relationship, and sold my house. I
didn't know who I was, where I was going, or what my purpose was. I thought that starting anew with my new mate
in a new location I could somehow pull it together.
You can run but you can't hide. It took a couple more years to tap myself
out, ironically trying to create a new life.
But eventually I hit the wall. I
didn't have the energy to keep going; Adrenal Fatigue isn't a joke, neither is
PTSD. I was face to face with the
unknown and nothingness. I was
terrified.
I was fortunate to have arrived in that dark hell with some
remarkable tools of light: Art, yoga,
meditation & being present, Al-Anon, and a supportive family and dog. As mentally and physically difficult as it
was, I knew enough that I had to have a daily plan. Although my attention span lasted barely 5
minutes, I knew I could make it from one 5 minute segment of time to the next 5
minutes. All I had to do was get through
each 24 hours. A day for me involved
repeating a prayer or mantra slowly, reading something inspiring and then
sitting looking out the window, repeat, force feeding myself food that I knew
was good for me, reading something again and more sitting. The highlight was the time I spent drawing in
my journal. I would pick something
mundane in the house that held some special meaning for me in that day and draw
it with pen then color it in. Occasionally
friends would call or stop by offering kind support and encouragement. I even stayed with a friend for week while
she cooked and cared for me. Each and
every tiny bit gave me courage and strength, one day at a time.
2011 was my Dark Night of the Soul and I survived. The next year I slowly regained my strength
and started teaching little art workshops.
Then I felt well enough to get a weekend receptionist job at a
retirement community. That job then
became full time and is where I work today.
It's been five years and I'm doing really well.
Earlier this year I was reminded of a dream I had to ride my
bike across the
U.S. I wasn't sure if I could do it considering my
recent health challenges. But I was
encouraged by a friend so I bought a road bike.
I knew I was going to need a trainer and was lucky to be lead to
JaredEllison/The LAB. Jared has cycled in the
Race Across America (RAAM) three times and is an inspiration by facing
incredible challenges himself and working to benefit others because of it. He has been a huge part in helping me to
rebuild my strength and endurance through bicycling and to believe that I can
reach my dream.
I plan on cycling cross country with
WomanTours.com, March 3 –
May 3, 2018.
I
will climb over 8,000 feet while crossing 8 states in my 3,000+ mile ride from
San Diego,
California
to
St. Augustine, Florida.
Along the way I plan on drawing the wonders I encounter. The biggest part of my dream is to bring hope
to others who suffer from PTSD or Adrenal Fatigue. Please know is possible to recover and it is
necessary to still dream. I feel deeply
grateful to be here, to be well, and to be able to give back. I hope you are inspired by my experiences,
the things that gave me strength, and the belief that recovery is possible.
Your support matters! Under the
Believe to Achieve Foundation (created by Jared Ellison for cyclists with charitable visions) my
personal goal is to raise $30,000 or $10.00 per mile, so we can help make a
difference in the world. With over 75%
of your donation going to public awareness, programs, and ongoing research, you
can join the “ride” across America
and increase awareness for this very important cause.
Please show your support by sending a check to: Believe to
Achieve, P.O. Box 1251,
Diamond Springs, CA 95619.
