Endurance and Road Blocks

What is endurance?  Defined it is "the fact or power of enduring an unpleasant or difficult process or situation without giving way." 

That sums up my experience lately of working through "road blocks" toward the goal of Cycling X-country.  I go through daily mental gyrations and doubts about this whole process.  The least of my worries is training on the bicycle for my goal.  What has been making me wake screaming at night and causing panic attacks is sharing my experience of PTSD with people.  It has reopened Pandora's Box of nightmares, sort of a catch 22 in this process of bringing awareness to PTSD.  I was perfectly happy having come to a place of peace in my life, not really feeling a need to revisit my past.  Now, with awareness-bringing being part of the fundraising process, I am re-experiencing some of the symptoms of PTSD.  Great :-(

So, riddled with doubts about how to proceed, I'm just taking it one day at a time.  Yesterday, I deleted the donation button on my blog because I was emotionally done with fundraising.  Today, I'm considering putting it back on.  I feel confused.

Another "road block" I've encountered is not being able to get more than a month off work – the ride is two months across the Southern Tier of the U.S.  I love my job and don't want to lose it.  So what do I do?  Change my goal to a shorter ride?  I don't know.

So, maybe the road blocks will also have a detour sign that will lead me to my destination, just not via the route I originally thought.  Or it might take me to a new destination that is unexpectedly wonderful.  We'll just have to see.